@kumbricia - One tip would be to split up your blocks of text so that it's a bit more scannable.
" My novel is almost complete and I'm working on my second draft but still needs work. I’m in the editing phase of my book and I need your help. My book cover is almost complete and I think it looks great so far but in order for me to make my book a success, I need to do further editing and marketing. "
Headline for this block would be something like "What stage is my project in?"
" This is the main reason I’m reaching out on Kickstarter for your help. I want to continue writing and go on to make the second novel in the series, called Volux. I have an outline of the series already planned out, spanning 5 books, but I need your help to finish up Yazen first.
If this project reaches the desired goal, the money will go towards getting an editor, Kerrie McLoughlin. I want to make sure my book has no errors. The rest of the money will go towards Marketing/Advertising for my novel. I would like to advertise on FaceBook, Google Adwords, GoodReads, and maybe a few other places that I find.
If I go over my goal or if there’s any money left over, it will go towards my second novel of the series, Volux, (Cover, Editing and Marketing/Advertising). I have had a blast writing this novel so far and I can’t wait to start the second installment. I’m so excited that I’ll be able to share Yazen with everyone soon."
Headline for this might be, "what will the funds be used for?"
See:
http://www.crowdcrux.com/copywriting-ti ... ter-pitch/On the video, I would HIGHLY recommend putting yourself in the video. Like @anna said there are portions with walls of text that fly by too fast to read. Also, if you're attempting to attract strangers, the easiest way to develop rapport is to put yourself in the video, show them you are a real person, and show your passion for the project.